I have the feeling that many people have an incorrect vision in their heads of what a successful negotiator is like. When I started in real estate in 1999, I thought that my role model should be someone who I perceived Donald Trump to be like. People seemed to want an agent who was hardnosed, demanding, ruthless. Someone who would fight for them. They seem to think they need some kind of "tough guy" negotiator going to battle for them. I just wish that it would be as easy as fighting and beating the other side into submission.
The reality is that no one can force someone to do anything. It's all about persuasion and influence. Even though a fight might seem very exciting and get you all revved up, a good negotiation is more of a problem solving mission.
I don't see that the "tough guy" model works very well, at least not in residential real estate. It sounds good, but think about it for a minute. Do you think that the typical home owner puts his home on the market looking to pick a fight with a big time wheeler-dealer negotiator? That's the last thing that they want. It's probably their biggest fear. What happens? Usually nothing because the seller puts up his shields due to fear.
All that a seller usually wants is to get a buyer to:
pay him close to what his home is worth and
get a buyer who can actually perform what they agree to.
What I have seen to be much more effective is what I call the "nice guy" negotiator. By nice, I don't mean weak or giving the other side everything that they want just to make them happy. By nice, I mean thoughtful and understanding. It's being respectful, polite, and positive.
With problem solving, you have to try to understand the other side and try to figure out mutual solutions. By being "nice" and building trust, you have a better chance of finding out what the other side actually wants. By showing some empathy, it's more likely that they might open up and reveal what's really important to them. Many times it's actually not what it first appears to be. Then you can see if you can put together a solution that works for them and your client.
There are actually some qualities of a fighter that can transfer effectively over to the problem solving mode. These are:
Persistence
Determination
Never giving up.
Always giving it your best shot
Never letting fear affect you.
Staying poised even after an initial setback.
You can learn a lot about the theories of negotiating by reading the many books out there, (I have) but the best learning comes from attending the School of Hard Knocks. I've attended for many years. Through hundreds of deals, I've made my share of mistakes and I've also experienced what actually works.
Much of what I call the "nice guy" approach has actually been scientifically proven to be effective. (a couple of good papers here and here) It's funny how they have these big sounding terms like "asynchronous dynamic" and "interparty trust" or "sinister attribution". But all of it is very real and it's everything that I've experienced in real life.
It used to be that the primary skills for a good negotiator were verbal. You had to be a smooth talker. That's still very important in face-to-face negotiations but the reality is that, at least in residential real estate, not much gets done face-to-face anymore.
The skill that I have found to be the most effective, in today's methods of doing business, is the ability to write a well thought out persuasive email. You need good writing skills. I call it "The Art of the Email Deal". In my next post I'll share with you how I use email to save my clients thousands of dollars.
A good initial email:
Builds trust
Sets a positive tone
Conveys professionalism
It sounds pretty simple, but it's so easy to mess up.
I am always amazed when I see how the right words, presented in the proper manner, are worth thousands and thousands of dollars. I'll share with you some specific examples in the next segment.
I'll end with words from one of my favorite REO Speedwagon songs "Tough Guys"
She doesn't like the tough guys. She thinks that they've got brains all where they sit. They think they're full of fire, She thinks they're full of shit.
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